


The Placebo Effect

by handschuhmaus



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: (not that you can help it), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, L-space, confirmation bias, don't bring your skeleton friend to a spellfight in the library, placebo effect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 17:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18665218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: ...turns out there's such a thing as magic that doesn't do anything, or at least not anything useful. who knew?(not Dumbledore, about that anyway)





	The Placebo Effect

"Why are you here?" It was the only thing Voldemort could think to say to the skeleton, with the faint blue glimmer (unnervingly like looking out... at something among the stars, something Voldemort couldn't really recall) in its eye sockets. The lifeless grin seemed infuriatingly imperturbable. Was this Death?

YOU ARE HAVING A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE. The voice just... occurred in her head, without passing through her ears.

"Oh really? I've got Horcruxes." Some half-formed thought occurred to her, about whether she ought by rights to be _angry_ at Death, to consider the figure an enemy, but that wasn't quite her instinct in this moment.

...WHAT ARE THOSE? Death asked into her head after a moment.

"You know, the artifacts into which I've split my soul," she said flippantly. Death ought to know that.

ARTIFACTS? Death repeated into her head thoughtfully. DO YOU MEAN THOSE CURSED OBJECTS YOU KEEP CREATING VIA MURDER? LIKE THE ONE YOU'RE CARRYING AROUND?

"This is no mere cursed object, pal," Voldemort informed the skeleton, affecting an American accent like Muggle movies she hadn't seen in years.

I SUPPOSE IT'S ONE WAY TO BE REMEMBERED. I DON'T THINK IT WILL BE WIDELY APPRECIATED. The tall skeleton seemed... reproachful.

"They'll keep me alive," she pointed out.

EITHER YOU HAVE A VERY STRANGE DEFINITION OF ALIVE, OR YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SOULS WORKS.

"...what?!" she spluttered.

There was some distaste in the head-voice THE ...HORCRUXES DO NOT PRESERVE YOUR SOUL. IT IS POSSIBLE THAT ASIDE FROM NASTY CURSES THEY CONTAIN AN IMPRINT OF YOUR MAGIC SUFFICIENT TO CONVINCE IMPRESSIONABLE PERSONS IT'S YOU, BUT ALL YOU HAVE REALLY ACCOMPLISHED IS TO ADD A BUNCH OF NASTY MURDERS AND FIDDLY CURSES TO THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE. AND...OTHER PEOPLE'S.

"But...but _Dumbledore_ "

I DO NOT BELIEVE HE KNOWS MORE THAN I ABOUT THIS. NOW, I SHOULDN'T DO THIS BUT: DUCK.

The orphanage trained part of Voldemort obeyed instantly, and a curse whistled past. 

"You mean..." but Riddle could not bear to reiterate the news.

IT IS PROBABLY WHAT PEOPLE CALL A PLACEBO EFFECT. YOU BELIEVED IT WAS WORKING, SO IT SEEMED LIKE IT DID. I DO NOT DENY THAT SOULS CAN BE STUBBORN ARTICLES.

"I don't have immortality?"

I ...WOULD CALL IT NOTORIETY, I THINK. ALSO, I SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THIS EITHER, BUT IF IT AFFECTS YOUR VIEW OF AFTER...LIFE, YOU MAY HAVE UNPLEASANT THINGS WAITING. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY MORE CONVENTIONAL METHODS OF ...CHEATING ME? MIGHT I SUGGEST A NICE GAME OF CRIPPLE MR. ONION?

Voldemort could only gulp as the skeleton disappeared from view and she exited the library. No horcruxes?! What was she going to do now?


End file.
